Author Jay Sturner

My toes squish along the path. I chant. I sing. I fling bird hearts and lamprey livers. Scatter bits of pig intestine, salamander bladders, an ape spleen. Then out I leap into the jungle-humid glade, where a gathering of lethargic, grub-shaped gods sweat beneath a continuous summer sun. And of these, it is the shadow of Slishra-Ew—God of Troubled and Ailing Viscera—I so gleefully enter. Falling to my knees, I retrieve a dagger and cut out my own kidney. Ow, shit , that hurt. I present the organ in my proffered palms. “O unsightly one—please accept this offering as gratitude for all the disposable poetry you’ve inspired in me; for the success I’ve had in ephemeral, lowbrow publications. Through fevered dreams, a nervous stomach, and other chronic ills, you, sir, have smeared your poetic influence across my shivering mind!” “Hmph mlughh.” “How did I find you? Well, first I altered my reality by self food poisoning with rotten meat and questionable mushrooms. Next I vomit-grunted a short ...

Another one for us birders. And yes, it's true: we get asked this question A LOT.

I did it, I finally made one of these. Birders know. 😉

Friends don't let friends drive... down Murica Road.

My cat is totally fly. He has a gold whisker.

Gonna form a rock band called "The Like My Own Facebook Posts." We'll clap after each song we perform, toss bras at each other, sign autographs to ourselves. It'll be great!

If a person turns into a zombie, is it required to amend their obituary?

I want to be pagan but I'm bad with names.

I shouldn't have put my ant farm so close to the window. Now I have an ant farmer's tan.

I raise my glass to the people whose exclamation points turn into 1's. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111. They must be very excited. I'd like to see that happen in real life. "Hey man, that sexy blonde over there says she wants a date with you." "YES-one-one!"

I figured out a new thing to do if you're bored: pick a friend, track down a 5-year old email from them, and reply to it.

Everyone calls regular mail ‘snail mail.’ Let’s take it a step further and call the mailman ‘snailman.’ Next time you see him or her stuffing your mailbox with bills and junk mail just wave and say, "What up, snailman!" However, this doesn’t apply to when they bring you the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog; for that they get a $2 tip and a high-five.

Factoid: One out of every 68 million dandelions craves human flesh.

If you’re worried about rushing through life, start walking uphill.

Cats rule! Dogs… not so much. Here is why: Cats are soft and fragrant. Dogs are smelly mud puddles with feet. Cats only meow when necessary, unlike dogs, who bark FOREVER. Cat farts are quiet, very low on the decibel level, and they actually make the air fresher. Dog farts are clouds of toxic gas that kill surrounding vegetation. Cats don't run in circles and make goofy faces when served food; they thank you with tender body rubs against the leg, then go and eat like a normal person. They are clean; they sometimes lick butt, but their tongues never smell butty. Dogs, on the other hand, smell exactly the same at both ends. If a cat knocks your beer over, it's on purpose, which shows intelligence. When a dog does that, it's because he's chasing an invisible squirrel. Cats can catch and torture fish. Dogs chase sticks and bring them back. Wow? Cats poop carefully and without drama. When a cat sleeps on my lap, there is warm...

A big thank you to all the great coffee mugs in my life. The ones that helped me to imagine all those stories and poems, that kept me reasonably sane during editing, rejections, and unexpected success. The ones that stayed warm and delicious in the earliest of mornings and the latest of nights, that supported me through private fits of anger, depression, and jubilation. Mugs, without you I'd still be staring at a blank screen with cobwebs over my brain. You complete me. So here's to you, coffee-and-sometimes-tea-and-occasionally-whisky mugs. I raise you to you and take a sip. May your rims never chip. Love, Jay

Mr. and Mrs. Mold attended the leftovers party but were very dull guests. They were sporing.

In falling asleep on mossy ground, in an emerald wood, one invites picked pockets, playful prods, and plentiful pinches by the wee folk.

Current (2021-present) "If you don't seek a little beauty..."  (thoughts & observations) "Manifest Destiny has been replaced..."  (thoughts & observations) "Be honest and authentic..."  (thoughts & observations) Birder Meme #2 (There's other birds!) (humor) Birder Meme #1 (It's a heron!) (humor) "Cheers! to the dreams that die..." (thoughts & observations) The Loss of a Beloved Bird ( h umor; non-extant) Final Texts (humor; non-extant ) Lost Dad ( thoughts & observations ) 2010-2020 Cats Rule!  (h umor) "Day is a bright open eye..."  ( thoughts & observations) "Everyone calls regular mail..."  (h umor) Factoid: "87% of hotdog manufacturing plants..."  (h umor) Factoid: "Nearly every bug you've ever swallowed..."  (h umor) Factoid: "One out of every 68 million dandelions..."  (h umor) "Friends..."  (h umor) "From my point of view..."  (...